Broken thoughts

lack of sleep
drowning in paperwork and struggling to fit tasks to time
stressing about my practise.
Your text about MAtthias WEischer (sp) , looking at some Rauschenburgand a re read of Gunter Grass (sp) have got me thinking. I am having flickers of what I want my work to start doing in my head but feel frsutrated an its intangibility.

I know I want to start drawing things from many sources which create mini narratives with underlying meta narratives, allegories if you like. I know maps, art historcial references, various painterly marks, figures in general, text, gridsa and lines of perspective, architecture, small elements of illustration of 'objets', floating, falling and submerged forms... I know I want all of these to come together to form poetic narratives. Where elements draw us beneath the surface and other pull us back across. Where meaning seems both intense and allusive, where we can flicker between a multiplicity of potential conclusions- where there are basically painterly, spatial, pictorial and analytical disjunctions. (fuck knows if I know what I mean)

I want to create the kind of feel we have when we skip between elements on the internet, or when we slip through memoreis in our head. i want it to be about now but equally to be about issues of time, concenrs of histories, elements of the sefl indulgent personal, touches of the purely formal, to be both concise and articualte whilst also utterly non sensiscal. To be romantic but pragmmatic, to be everything adn nothing. To have lose, time, tragedy, rise and fall, transcedence and witt all rolled up together like a sweet which can be quickly consummed but then makes you vomit up your insides.

At the moment though, im worrying due to not having painted for a few days. I am created small, weakly paintede, pretentious, pastiche and meaningless little scribbles. I am progressing but now way near getting close to this undescribable thing I am chasing. And now I am on heere when I shold be compleing a lecture plan and constructing paragraphs and sentences which are confussing me more than helping me.

I really wish i did not care about all this pointless crap- but it keep knocking at my head